If someone is comfortable talking to you or just comfortable with you in general, wouldn’t they feel safe being themselves around you and telling you things? That makes sense, right?
Now, let’s look at the other perspective: if you aren’t having deeper or more important conversations with the other person, does that mean that they feel like they can’t have this type of discussion with you? Most likely, yes.
Today, let’s talk about why and what can be done to make them feel safe talking to you while taking a stroll down memory lane.
Think about your childhood, like middle school, for example. When something happened at school, how much of it did you actually tell your parents? Why is that? Is the reason similar to any of the following?
“They wouldn’t have understood anyway.”
“I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me.”
“They’ll just yell at me, I’d rather not tell them.”
If your reason is even somewhat aligned with the aforementioned, you likely had these thoughts in mind, making you not want to talk to your parents about certain things. And, this applies to any relationship. Demolishing this communication barrier is key to having an open, comfortable, and honest relationship with anyone.
Be their THAT person.
In any relationship, communication is key. The key of the key though is to maintain direct and consistent communication. No talking behind the other person’s back to anyone else because that’s as good as gossiping to the person that you’re gossiping about. Remember that wounds from words can last a lifetime, and there’s almost nothing that can change it back to how it was if something happens.
To have a healthy relationship, be their THAT person. This means that they can come to you for anything and everything, and they also feel safe when they do. There must not be any judgment, any acts of jumping to conclusions, or any lectures. If they are crying and want comfort, the last thing they want to hear is that whatever happened is their fault. So, why would one even think to do such a thing? Good question, but it happens so often that it has become a norm.
Ask them what they need.
They get to decide what they need or want from you. The best thing to say is the following: “I want to be here for you regardless, so I want to know what I can do. Do you want comfort or advice?” It’s a simple question, but it takes the direction of the conversation in completely different ways.
If they say comfort, do just that. Just listen, give them your hand or a hug, and engage in the conversation by asking (not rude) questions. If they feel like everything is one-sided, as in they’re just talking but you’re not doing anything, they’ll feel neglected, which will make them think twice about coming to you the next time. Comfort looks different for different people, but if someone came to you for help, chances are that they think of you as a part of their close circle. So, you may know a lot more about them that could help with the comforting, and use what you know to help them out.
If they say advice, same thing. First, listen and don’t judge or jump to conclusions, engage in the discussion, and get a clear context of what’s happening before trying to help. This is important because if you don’t fully understand the situation, then what you’re thinking is most likely going to be wrong too. Remember though, to not get emotional when listening to what happened. Part of giving advice means that you need to keep your emotions out of the picture because decisions must be objective. No matter how emotional the other person is, do not let that cloud your judgment.
However, if they say comfort but you have advice for them, they didn’t choose that option, so don’t even bring it up in the conversation. Resist the urge to give advice or it will shut them out. If there’s still something that’s bothering you about what they said, bring it up later, after the discussion. First, check-in with the person and ask if they’re feeling better. If yes, then, say “so, when we originally had the discussion, you said you wanted comfort, and I wanted to respect that. But I also have something for you to think about if that’s ok with you?” Getting their consent does two things: 1) it shows how much respect you have for them and their emotions, invoking a feeling of safety and comfortability and 2) it shows that you’ve been thinking about this, making them understand how important they are to you. Both of these things can come up just from a simple question, yet they make such a big impact.
Now, if they say yes for advice, use the first person. Sentences with the pronoun “I” instead of “you.” For example, “I understood this about the situation, is that correct?” instead of “you said this and you made me think...” The first one puts you as the subject, so even if you say something you didn’t mean, it won’t do that much harm, since you were using “I”. When giving your thoughts, constantly ask for their opinion, ask questions, and keep them engaged in the conversation. It should not be one-sided because then you turn into the principal and they’re the student instead of a regular classmate to classmate discussion. Remember that this is not an opportunity for you to give a full lecture.
While giving your opinion, if at any point you feel like the other person feels uncomfortable or wants you to stop, stop. If you don’t, they may never come to you again, regardless of what they’re going through and you may be the reason that they are suffering so much. You were their outlet, but if they don’t have that either, what are they going to do?
THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU.
Please do not try to bring your personal, past experiences of yours into the picture. They’re suffering, and the last thing they want is to hear “it’s ok, everyone goes through this type of thing. It’s ‘normal.’”
This is because 1) that person doesn’t care if it’s normal and 2) they also don’t care if everyone goes through that. They’re not everyone. They’re them, and even if everyone has their low moments, none of them are the same. There’s always going to be differences, and those differences can make the biggest impacts if they hear, “it’s fine, what you’re going through isn’t a big deal.”
It may not be a big deal to you because you may have suffered through worse, but it’s huge for them. And they need someone to talk about it with, so if you’re not there for them, who is?
Lift them up.
Make them feel important, heard, safe, and comfortable. Try to help them by helping get their mind off of the situation or by letting them cry to cope.
Whatever you do, keep it real. Do not give them false hope or lie because if things don’t get better, it’ll affect them that much more. The point of being a safe space is to be there for the person, support them, and lift them up when they need it.
You, as their THAT person, need to stay strong for them. That’s what counts. Even when, during the hard times, you feel like crying your heart out or feel so angry because of the injustice they’re going through, you need not let it get to you. Stay brave and strong, and keep your head up. Not just for you, but for the other person. They may not appreciate it at the moment, but they do. They will.
“Put good into the world, and good will come back to you.” -Cobra Kai
Thanks for reading! Until next time, stay safe, happy, and healthy.
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